A Posh-Boy Eton Mess... Paris Dalliencourt is About to Crumble

There was a point about two thirds into this queer romance when I suddenly realised that I didn't want the main characters to get together. 

This was a bit of a shock as I am generally easy to please when it comes to romantic pairings. If you tell me that two warm-blooded, consenting humans are meant for each other then I will happily go along with it. I ship mainstream ships. I even ship multiple heterosexual pairings, which as a queer woman in fandom is faintly hilarious, if not actually embarrassing.

So for a romance book to set up a meet cute, and then get me to the point where I'm actively rooting against them... that takes skill.

Of course, this is what the author [Alexis Hall] was intending all along. Because Paris Dalliencourt is About to Crumble is a baking show romance that is far from cookie-cutter.

Paris is, to put it simply, an anxious mess. He worries about absolutely everything. He gets by in life via insane posh-boy privilege and the emotional support of his best friend and flatmate Morag (a fat, Scottish sex-goddess).

In an attempt to get him out of his shell, Morag has signed Paris up for the next series of The Great British Bake Off. It's not called that, but it's as obviously GBBO as when they make Tunnocks Tea Cakes in the technical and have to call them Jammy Mallow Cakes or some such nonsense.

While filming, Paris meets (or rather, accidentally assaults with a fridge door) fellow contestant Tariq, a queer Muslim with painted fingernails and dreams of becoming famous enough to do Strictly. They bumble through several awkward, apology-filled conversations and eventually reach the point of a date. Which Paris spectacularly ruins by being wildly oblivious to his privilege and then all but insulting Tariq's faith.

They communicate, talk it out. Try again. 

And Paris blows it again. 

Because Paris isn't over-the-top romance anxious, Paris is trying to survive with an undiagnosed General Anxiety Disorder. And the exact worse place for someone to be during all that is navigating a nationally televised competition. 

The last third of the book subverts every romance reader's expectation. Paris isn't cutely awkward, he's selfish and hurting the people around him. Tariq seems chill and understanding, but quickly becomes frustrated when Paris doesn't magically get better by virtue of having a supportive boyfriend. Even Morag has to admit that putting your mentally ill best friend on television maybe isn't the best way to fix them. 

As for the Great British public? They loathe Paris. 

As someone who has spent most of their life battling anxiety, I recognised the worst parts of Paris's behaviour in my own. If you believe that all your friends secretly hate you... what does that say about your opinion of them? If you are constantly obsessed with yourself and your problems, how can you truly care for or be there for others? And I've seen the Bake Off contestants who continually put themselves down... they are annoying as hell to watch. 

But when you are in survival mode, you are too busy trying to get through the day to do anything more. I've experienced Paris's pure terror during an ordinary but unfamiliar train journey, and I live with the many cock-ups caused by my constant self-sabotage. Just like Paris, I needed proper help, and just like Paris, I'm slowly getting there. 

If this all sounds a bit heavy, I should also point out that this book is funny. The Bake Off banter is on point, some of the more textbook parts of Paris and Tariq's meet-cute have some funny conversations vis-a-vis statue penises, and Tariq's flatmates are comedy gold. There's a laser tag scene with Tariq's family that genuinely made me cry hysterical tears.

And while the angst is very angsty indeed, this is still a romance, so mental health battles are just another obstacle along the way. By the end, you are rooting for their new, self-actualised selves to work it out. There aren't any easy endings - Paris's parents don't suddenly love him back, Tariq's sexual boundaries due to his faith don't magically disappear, and (spoiler alert) neither of them win the knockoff Bake Off.

For a book about baking, it's beautifully bittersweet.